How tae inadvertently start a Coup!


Warning: this piece contains strong language


Wit am a daeing?


A sat there watching a guy picking at his bum crack. Then wae a secretive wee glance aroon the auditorium he began sniffing his fing’ers. A shook ma heed and quietly glanced aroon at aw the other vulgar animals. Future leaders, academics and inevitable dropouts trying tae impress each other. A wis bored listening tae how great college will be fir me until ...


I introduce your newly elected Student President …


Wit!? The statement hit me heavy heard, a bit like the wae a bird keich slams aff a car windscreen. A didnae vote him in, a wisnae even offered a vote! A’d never seen this guy before in ma life. He hid a black and white hairdo, like his maw had pumped a skunk. Ma brain powered through hunners a thoughts like that wee energiser bunny oan the eccies. Ma over-thinking clouded ma ain thoughts so much that a wasnae prepared fir wit a did next ...


I will endeavour to listen and speak on behalf of all stude …” the Skunk Tits stoapped stunned.


NAW!” a exclaimed “Hod oan here! A never voted you in! Who voted him in?” A glanced aroon the room as if tae go “Aye, none of ye voted this loser in!” A continued, “A want tae put ma name forward tae be thee student president!


The auditorium was stunned tae silence. Dear God in Jesus a thought, wit am a daeing!? But then a started to like it when the wee Skunk Tits responded.


Who even are you?


Who even am a!?” ‘Even’ he says! A have tae admit a gave the ultimate rebel’s retort:


A’m yir worst enemy wee man!


Gasps and “ohhhhs” filled the auditorium. Go oan yersel a thought, you tell that wee Skunk Tits.


I am the new president and there will be no change to that” said the Skunk Tits. The student coordinator interjected tae:


Yes the voting for president was done before the new college year began so unfor...”  Here a go again, ma retorts became as bold as a junkie oot his face oan Buckfast, “This sounds like a dictatorship tae me! A don’t like dictatorships!


Mer gasps and folk quietly murmuring hings like “oh my god”. Then the wee Skunk Tits tried tae get wide wae me:


Please sit down, this matter is not up for discuss…


Right! That wis it, a laid intae him like a chubby devouring a deep fried Mars Bar:


Spoken like a true dictator! I’m gonny set up an alternative Student Council, and a’ll be the president ... anyone up fir being ma deputy!?” A exclaimed wae such vigor that a wee fart burst oot me in aw the excitement. A wee dude wae ginger hair slowly raised his hand. 


You’re hired ma wee ginger rogue!” Ma wee ginger pal gave me a wee sleekit smile which could hiv meant wan aw twa hings: he wis loving this inadvertent coup, or he wanted tae pump me. A like tae hink it wis the former, no that a wouldnae hiv been flattered. The Skunk Tits tried to say mer but the coordinator, like a wee cheeky stealth ninja, intervened: 


Now we will move on to tell you about events running throughout the first semester …


 The Johnson


A wis shaking mysel efter a wizz and oot fae naewhere popped the Skunk Tits. Oh Jesus I thought.


I would like to speak with you about what happened in there” stated the Skunk Tits.  


Mate, I hivnae even put ma dong away yet. D’ye mind!?” A sorted masel and then sauntered er tae the taps wae a heavy big swagger, like the jakeys in taps aff weather. A started washings ma hawns and gave the Tits some banter.


So ye looking forward tae hivin'a bit a competition? See who will dae the students proud!?


Skunk Tits wis visibly no pleased, “You can’t ... I am the ... look just go away! I am the president!” Then he escaped oot the toilet faster than if he were being chased by a pack of cosh wielding neds.  


Skiddie Skants


The ginger wan and I sat chatting in the guys toilets, laughing aboot our alternative student council shenanigans: pummelling their oaffice door wae posters sayin’ hings like ‘Doon wae the Student Council’ and constant attempts to get an oaffice fir the ‘Alternative Student Council’; the college always responded wae a ‘naw’.  


A lost masel getting aw deep and emotional speaking tae the ginger demon, going back over the months since the auditorium. A described how it wisnae a conscious decision oan ma part tae challenge Skunk Tits. That everything wis getting oot a hawn, but aye a would hiv loved being the College King. A wis exploring how this rebellious side a me hid influenced and changed me when aw'e a sudden the ginger wan, who clearly hidnae even been listening tae a single word a hid been saying, turned roon hawding a pencil wae a used jonny swinging oan the end of it. We both stared at it in silence.


We heard pretentious chatter coming along the corridor. The ginger wan and I glanced oot to see our rivals, the Student Council! The Skunk Tits and his associates were waddling our way. We jamp oot in front of them and a swear a heard skiddies hitting their skants;


Afternoon all” I said with friendship and open arms tae gee them a hug.


Go away, and take the posters off our door!” said the Skunk Tits with a vile tone.


Aye awright. You guys hiv been excellent opponents and we have been privileged to be yir opposition” a stated,


You were never our opposition!” the Skunk Tits blurted.


Listen, we will be stepping aside and closing doon our Alternative Student Council. Tae be honest a cannae be bothered wae ye any mer. Ye hiv annoying faces. Good luck tae ye aw”. The ginger wan and I sauntered away like free men stepping oot a Barlinnie prison.  


college rebellion, accidental coup, nonconforming