I well do mind that sorry night,
When Tam and me got sic a fright.
It was back in the autumn of seventy-two,
Or in Chinese terms, The year o the coo.
Twas at "The Grosvener" we quenched oor drooth.
But Tam, he aye had a bigger mooth.
‘Just ae mair dram,’ he said to me.
And being sociable, I did agree.
We supped oor lot and headed home,
In the dusky silence of the gloam.
Twas while passing auld Rhynie Mill,
We felt this strange and eerie chill.
Could it be cauld for this time of year?
Or just something that was in the beer.
Whatever the reason for this feeling,
My temples throbbed like a boil beeling.
And eve Tam's bowels gave a whine,
As baith his knees kept time we mine.
Then suddenly there in the night,
There did appear this ghostly sight.
An ancient Highwayman sae grim and dour,
We a face that would turn fresh milk sour.
On his horse he sat and glared at us,
And I'm not one to make a fuss,
But I can tell you there and then,
Poor Tams bowels whined again.
Half heartedly Tam did remark,
That maybe it wis just a student's lark,
'Oh once we gae him a bob or twa,
I'm sure the man will gang awa.'
'Oh no,' said I, ‘this isnae fun.'
'When I coont three, get ready tae run.'
'Oh no,' said Tam, ‘I can hardly stand,
Oh promise me yill tak ma hand.'
'Stand and deliver,' yelled the Highwayman.
I coonted three and quickly ran.
But Tam wis slow, he wis huddin me back,
It wis just like running in a sack.
'Let go you slow coach,' I did yell.
'Let go,' I screamed, 'awa tae hell.’
'Oh no,' moaned Tam 'Please don't I beg,
There's something running doon ma leg.'
Well it's times like these that find you oot.
And whut true friendship is a aboot.
And clenching Tam's hand firm and true.
I promised tae stick tae him like glue.
His promise wis a wee bit easier though.
He promised he wid never let go.
Onwards we charged over fence and field,
But still the horseman widna yield.
At every yard he yelled a curse.
'Pay with your life, or fill my purse.'
'Oh no,' groaned Tam, now grim and tense.
'And me we only twenty pence.'
'Ah dinnae get much aff the broo,
Dae yeh think he'll tak an IOU?’
Then withoot warning we did pitch,
Intae a muckle muddy ditch.
Cries and oaths accompanied fear.
'Wha the hell left a bloody ditch here?'
The Highwayman arrived and gave a look.
'Aha!! 'he laughed. ‘Your goose is cooked.'
Then suddenly from behind a cloud,
The moon appeared so big and round.
The Highwayman then gave a yell
'Curse that moon, it breaks my spell.'
And in a flash the fiend was gone.
Before his dastardly deed was done.
Well, we set off homewards without delay,
With Tam walking rather awkwardly.
He was too afraid to tell his spouse,
In case she threw him out the house.
I telt mine I hid seen him hame.
And lumbered him we all the blame.
Oh em no daft I'll stay afloat.
As lang as I hiv a good scapegoat.
And so it wis, that night of woe,
I'm glad I never let him go.
But if one night you tak yer fill
And wander by auld Rhynie Mill.
Thouh fu ye be we beer and malt
Yill hae nae need for Epsom salts.