Today I’m going to the museum. I love it there, the world is black and white, there are no grey areas. There I understand the rules and how to behave. I love to learn especially about the prehistoric period and other historical times. My heart jumps with joy to see the sarcosuchus! I can spend time looking at the dinosaurs deciding what time periods they’re from, their family and if they’re a carnivore, herbivore, omnivore or insectivore. It’s my idea of heaven, my mind whirls with happiness thinking about it. But then I remember the bus journey.
Fear creeps in. My brain overthinks everything. All the bad things that could go wrong. The bus crashes. Someone is fighting. Someone dies. I DIE. Now I feel sick. My head hurts. My heart’s beating out my chest. Everyone else I know does not feel like it’s a big deal, just jump on the bus and off they go. But for me it’s an impossible journey. I’m terrified. My head yells “no!” My body wants to run and hide. Fight or flight is taking over, but I step outside anyway.
Reluctantly I get on the bus. I sit away from everyone one up the back of the bus by the window, the same place I always sit. People confuse me and I don’t understand them. I am not neurotypical, the world is different for me. The bus is too loud from the engine to everyone talking, it smells funny, there is so much going on. I hate the movement, it makes me feel ill. Someone raises their voice. Are they mad at me? Who is laughing? Why are they laughing? Now someone is out of their seat. I HAVE TO GET OFF! ‘Just 10 more minutes’, I tell myself over and over. I try to zone out, to not be in my body. I sit there shaking. Now people are looking at me, asking if I’m ok, observing I look pale and ill. But I can’t answer. I have gone mute. I can’t even look at them. Now they’re mad at me. I’m fully freaking out. Inside all my anxiety is eating me up.
We’re here! I jump off the bus and run to my safe haven, the museum. I’m here, I’m safe, I survived. My heart starts to settle and my mind fog clears. I can finally breathe again. There are people here but they stay in their own groups and don’t bother me, I can avoid the loud children’s areas and head to my favourite bits. There are lots of open spaces here and it feels safer. I’m still frantic as I’m out the house, but here I feel safer and my heart’s not beating out my chest. Everything is scientific here and my brain understands this world. There is a new tyrannosaurus exhibition showing the different tyrannosaurus family, but there is no allosaurus on display. There is new information on how they’re decoding colour profiles based on a prehistoric feather found. I find that truly fascinating. They decoded a small bird-like dinosaur, it is red in colour and looks close to a microraptor I wonder what colour they were? I could spend all day here; my mind is at peace.
Until I remember I still have to go home