Celebration Cake

First weigh out the caster sugar and carefully, carefully, tip it into the mixer bowl. Soften the block of butter by cubing it small before adding to the sugar - you can mash them with a fork first - bash them about a bit with a fork before turning the mixer on. Make sure the whisks have clicked in properly before switching on and start it on a slow speed. Start on a slow speed! And make sure the whisks are clicked in properly! Otherwise, you’ll have a clunking-splutter-splatter-crunching disaster as sugar flies from the bowl. Like I said start on a slow speed.

Some of the cake mixture is not getting whisked probably because it’s stuck to the side of the bowl, near the top, where the whisks can’t get it. Best to stop every now and again to scrap round the sides of the bowl with a spatula, so all the mixture gets whisked properly. Don’t lick the spatula. 

Watch the cake mix change from crunch buttercup yellow to fluffy, creamy white. Start to add the first egg, carefully clean round the sides of the bowl again. Make sure the top of the mixer is back down properly before switching it back on. Don’t lick the spatula.

If the mixture curdles, it’s not the end of the world, just add a little of the self-raising flour before adding the next egg. Don’t lick the spatula. 

After you’ve added the second egg and it looks to be done, switch off and carefully remove the bowl from the machine. I probably should have said that you need to grease two cake tins with a little bit of butter on some grease proof paper. I sometimes like to dust the tins with a sprinkling flour, just to make sure the cakes come out in one piece. I’ll quickly that do safe time.

 Now you’ve removed the bowl from the mixer, carefully sift in the four. Bold and gentle with a metal spoon. Don’t taste it! Add a small dash of vanilla. Neatly carefully spoon the mixture into the tins. Use the oven gloves when putting in the oven. Now you can lick the spoon, if you must. And scrap round the bowl.

Don’t go off and do something else and forget about the cakes in the oven. Don’t open the oven until they smell done and they’ve been in the oven for at least fifteen minutes otherwise there’ll sink in the middle – and we don’t want that.

Okay, they feel about done to me. We can take them out. They need to cool for a few minutes before we turn them out onto the wire cooling rack. It might be best if I do that. Okay, you can turn out the second one.

You have to wait for the sponges to cool down properly before spreading on the raspberry jam. Buttercream? Are you sure? What about double cream that won’t ruin it be being too sickly sweet? No, we can’t just put buttercream on your half – it would look odd. Okay, buttercream.