Hello, Hello, Hello! What do we have here, Sir?

Julie wanted me to wear blue. A long, slim empire line dress of sea blue lace with a pale turquoise lining was made for me. I was fifteen years old, wore specs and could not really believe that the eldest sibling of my special friend had chosen me to be her bridesmaid, or that I would be wearing such a beautiful dress. I’d known the family since we moved next door when I was four years old. I had often shouted to her Mum from a tree in their garden.

'Mrs Dee-ee. I’m stuck.'

I think Julie had come to help me down once too. I was a bit of a tomboy and a nuisance! Julie had two younger brothers, the youngest being my age and my best chum, with whom I shared many adventures. Julie left home first, to become a nurse. Now she was back before marrying her Scottish doctor, Angus.

On the day, I waited outside the local village church for Julie and her father. My parents were ushered inside with all the other guests by Julie’s brothers. Angus and his best man loitered before the Altar. Mrs D sat in the front pew dressed in a pale lemon coat dress with matching cloche hat. The organ played softly. Just as the village clock struck twice the car arrived and Julie was helped out by her father. I’d never seen Mr D without his cravat but somehow he maintained the air of a French teacher even in a morning suit, that most English of attire. She looked lovely in a snug fitted ivory silk dress with three quarter length lace sleeves. The scooped neckline had a lace modesty panel and she wore her veil over her face. They walked up to the great oak door of the church between the pine trees and tombstones as the photographer took the first of many photos. I fell in behind as she entered the porch and the organist switched to 'Handel’s Wedding March'. Many heads turned to watch us process down the aisle and finally Angus too looked round, smiling as she joined him. They went forward to stand in front of the vicar who stood beside a large arrangement of lilies, yellow roses and agapanthus. The sun shone through the stained glass windows above the altar and the church felt warm as the vicar welcomed us.

I had learnt the words to the first hymn, 'Love Divine all Loves Excelling', at school so joined in lustily. We listened to the three causes for which Matrimony was ordained. I was glad to see no one stepped forward to admit an impediment to their union. Then Julie turned to give me her flowers and the best man passed the ring to the vicar for the exchange of vows. Angus’s soft Scottish accent announced,

'I Angus Donald take thee Julie Anne to my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for... '

The rest was drowned in an almighty crash as the vicar collapsed into the flowers. The stunned silence was quickly followed by a collective gasp from the congregation. Nurse Julie and Doctor Angus looked at one another but stayed perfectly still and I took my stance from them. There was movement behind us and two friends, presumably doctors, stepped up, to help the vicar onto his feet and bundle him out of the church. The best man recovered the ring and the bible and reinstated the flower arrangement as best he could.

So what now? A pause ensued and then came the realisation that Angus and Julie had miraculously also catered for this eventuality. Another friend, a rector, appeared and continued the service. I made a mental note to ensure a doctor and a rector were invited to my wedding should I ever find a special someone. We sang the final hymn, 'Praise my Soul the King of Heaven', with fervour and giving extra thanks before returning up the aisle towards the sunlight. Julie and Angus stood outside to welcome their guests, many of whom I did not know.

A little bored now the service was over, I was gazing into the distance when the sun glinted on the gold stitches of a brocade cloth. The stole was lying on one of the tombs. I stepped back to get a better view through the pines and could see the local bobby was interviewing the two doctors who had helped the vicar. The Reverend was sitting on a tombstone looking somewhat dishevelled. What was going on? Surely the medics were not going to be arrested.

Later that week, in the local newspaper, we read the headline,

"Two men strip vicar on tombstone outside village church."

Underneath the story was slightly less sensational and started:

“A member of the Cheshire Constabulary investigated an incident outside Goostrey Parish Church. The policeman had seen two men stripping the vicar while he lay comatose on a tombstone. A victim of our recent hot weather the Reverend Park had succumbed to the heat in church when conducting a wedding. On closer inspection the two doctors, who were present in the congregation, were found to be loosening his upper garments to allow him to breathe more freely and so aid his recovery.”