The smell of petrol floods my nostrils and the anticipation hangs, tangible in the air. Suddenly I realise I’m in a go kart, the conscious realisation, I’m here, I’m in a go kart, I’m... Actually enjoying myself and I’m here!
Last year I was imprisoned in my head, totally hostage to the thousands of thoughts that flooded my mind in a single minute. The feelings of absolute terror that locked my body into a trembling mess and sent me into retreat, a place where I could meditate or sleep and nothing more. My body shook with adrenaline and my mind was a fog of bleakness and desolation.
I asked for help, I asked every possible person for any small hand of help, for any tiny rung of hope to cling to, and I started to unfurl from what ever had taken over me. I started to set foot in the world again, I walked miles of coast to try and find myself again, I smiled into the radiating sun and welcomed it into every cell of my body asking it to show me the way.
I held on tight to the people close to me, I let them fill me with their laughter and joy and instead of despairing that I couldn’t feel it too, I felt peace at still being able to supply it to others. I let their warmth smoulder in my soul until it too took flame and started to dance again.
I am here, in a go kart, racing around a track, feeling the anticipation, noticing the smells and enjoying the thrill. I am here.
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