Even a few years back, in towns and cities anyway, reliable internet connections and consistent broadband speeds were normal. Expected even. Fair enough, considering how much time we spent living in the digital world (and continue to do so). In the unlikely event an issue arose, it could (in theory) be solved in a few hours or at most a couple of days.
Not so in rural areas! I remember when I first moved into our village. Double digits Mbps was an urban myth and 0.01 speed was an all too familiar sight. And should you run into a complete loss of service, well, you’d best be prepared for one a hell of a multi-stage battle. It took a long time to change...
I remember well the hours of endless "Help Centre" patter:
'Have you tried switching it on and off?'
'What are the lights doing?'
'Are you sure it’s not YOUR device?'
'But our system is saying it’s fine on our end!?'
I could keep going but you get the gist of Stage 1.
Stage 1 could be surprisingly difficult to beat and always varied depending on who the system paired you with. But it could be done (with enough persistence). You knew you’d "won" though if someone, somewhere, acknowledged that a problem MAY exist and, in fact, might POSSIBLY be on the providers’ end.
Now for Stage 2, a conversation with an elusive manager. Some line checks, setting tweaks and mysterious inputs to try on the users end too, just to spice things up. Sometimes follow-up emails and/or phone calls ensued, depending on how helpful someone felt like being. To be fair, some folk I feel really did try their best but there honestly was little that could be done remotely.
Should this route ultimately prove fruitless (which was most of the time), then congratulations, you had reached Stage 3. The home visit from a highly qualified engineer. What did these technology whisperers do I hear you ask? Well…
Rarely they tried using various little devices or updated existing phone sockets, filters and wires in the house. Other times they made numerous phone calls to the higher ups. Alas, mostly, they’d just come and do a few token checks. Ultimately it always ended the same way. I’d be informed that their company didn’t own the phonelines (there’s still no such thing as fancy fibre-optic cables here by the way). Also, I was told multiple times that everything was outdated and in desperate need of upgrading. Yet it never did materialise despite the wide-spread knowledge.
In short, there was little they could do personally.
In fairness, some engineers could actually work a temporary solution. A few tweaks, a few phone calls and as if by magic the internet was back (briefly). Though as they left, it always came with the sinister prophecy.
'We’ll be back again soon no doubt… '
Well eventually I got tired of repeating the same three stages and went off script. I went directly to the company that controlled my areas’ phonelines for results. The ones that ensured no outward source was allowed anywhere near them (allegedly). Those who ruled with an iron fist (allegedly). This cut out the "helpless" middle people, those internet providers that were "powerless" to aid one such as I (again allegedly).
This brought Stage 4 into existence.
Stage 4 consisted of three parts:
4a) Allying myself closely with the powerful Guardians of the Landlines (changed internet provider) as previously mentioned.
4b) Repeating Stages 1-3 again. Similar results, minus the being unable to touch the phonelines excuse.
4c) Simultaneously contacting absolutely anybody with some authority that might fix this mess. Higher ups at the phoneline company directly, MSPs, Councillors etc. In short, anyone that might actually care, even just a smidgen, and explaining to them how bad things were here on the ground.
Well eventually that worked. Stage 5 was unlocked via this method. I was assigned an exclusive manager of managers personally. An individual that would remain in regular phone communication (due to the still poor internet connection) until all issues were resolved. PERMANENTLY?! Apparently, I’d made too much of a stink, to too many people, for standard modus operandi to be deemed fit for purpose. Hooray!
They listened, like actually listened, for real. Despite how unhappy (this was made that abundantly clear) they were to be put in this situation of my making. Then, something unexpected happened. Firstly, understanding that perhaps charging full price for an often-unusable service might not be okay. Secondly, the fault was indeed not my own, it was in fact their outdated infrastructure. Thirdly, something drastic definitely had to be done if there was any hope of a mutually acceptable conclusion.
So began Stage 6, the most epic of all the stages. The armies of engineers in their fleets of vans came. Everything needed replacing and let me tell you, those heroes were up to the task. It took a fair amount of time but progress was now undeniable, even for a cynical, disillusioned individual such as myself.
Then finally it came to an end with Stage 7. With the vans and the workers gone, their mission deemed a success, the final checks were down to me, the end-user. Internet had returned! Stronger and faster too. But most importantly, it was consistently so. It was an extremely happy time full of celebration.
With a final conversation, it all came to an end. I could now honestly say, yes, my internet was indeed working. With that acknowledgement, reluctant obligation fulfilled, the manager of managers disappeared and was never heard from again.
Since that day my internet speed continues to increase, connection has remained consistent (minus a few hiccups) and I no longer have to switch between a plethora of providers just to desperately try and stay online in some lacklustre form.
Hopefully the dark days will never return again. Yet, in a rural village, you can never be sure...