Is this moment worth celebrating?

‘Yay! Did it!’ My son has, for the most part, cracked potty training. We celebrate. There is much dancing, singing and hugging. I feel nothing but joy seeing his face light up with accomplishment, each and every time.

The first day of 2020 brought bad news, abnormal cells on a cervical smear. January and February spent in and out of hospital. All the cells removed, half of my cervix along with it. No more abnormal cells. We celebrated.

Days later, a pandemic. Soon after, a lost job. I celebrated being able to dedicate more time to my freelance writing business. Then came the first unpaid invoice. Then came the second. By the end of the year businesses which were spending more money on doughnuts and croissants were telling me it was unreasonable to ask for an invoice to be paid during these uncertain times. More accomplished writers lowered their rates. I couldn’t afford to lower mine.

In the meantime, an unexpected but very much wanted pregnancy and with it so much worry. Anxiety unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Half a cervix missing meant lifting something too heavy could cause a miscarriage. So how was I going to get my two-year-old in and out of bed? Or pick him up if he fell? Had I earned enough to take maternity leave? Would I be able to write with another kid in the house? I wanted to celebrate but I didn’t dare.

Nine months later, with very little fuss, we got to welcome another happy, smiling face into our family.

Finally, we celebrated. Just hugs and tears. But we celebrated.

And with that celebration something shifted. Some things went wrong but ultimately turned out ok, or better. We moved house. We moved countries (England to Scotland). My partner, allowed the bare minimum of paternity leave and feeling let down by his work, found a new job.

And now? Lots of moments worth celebrating.

My oldest son, able to socialise for the first time in nine months, teaming up with his little cousin to empty the kitchen shelves of every pot, pan and utensil.

A moment worth celebrating.

My baby laughing at his loud bodily functions.

A moment worth celebrating.

I haven’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in the last four months. I am exhausted. My postnatal cervical smear was not the all clear I was hoping for. I have no job. My business will not likely survive maternity leave.

But my son weed in his potty today and I am celebrating.