Please note: this piece contains descriptions some readers may find upsetting.
The countdown started. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
I breathed in a trembling breath. As the old marble clock struck, the world celebrated. A new year, a new chance, a new life.
I tipped my drink up sadly. My eyes dragged from the television to the face of my mother and father; they had the same expression as I had. The gut wrenching pain that I felt, that we felt, dismissed the new year, and silently we thought the same thing.
We lost a great man. No, the best... The best ally I ever had.
In all my pathetic, young life, I never knew what real pain was.
'He’ll never know...' I whispered into my own subconscious as a hard, bitter lump caught in my throat.
While celebrations roared and drinks flowed on television, my world came crashing down.
It would be a whole 3 months since my grandfather departed our earthly plane.
The broken, bleeding, bare remnant of what was my heart, my soul, was left in shards.
'I can’t do this without you. How can I live without you?' I prayed silently into the heavens, hoping at any chance he would hear me.
Nothing mattered, not anymore: depression, anxiety, trauma. Nothing was right, nothing was complete.
A broken hug from my loved ones then the promise of bed.
As I slowly made my way upstairs, my heartbeat matching with the sound of my heavy, thumping footsteps. The creaking on the stair reminding me of the rusty lock my heart had put up since the day he died, and how it longed to break free and beat once more.
I slid into bed and a million thoughts ran through my head.
‘Will he be okay up there?’
‘Will he still remember us?’
‘Will he still love me?’
My eyes filled up with tears. This pain, this awful, awful pain! Why did he have to get taken?! Why couldn’t it have been someone else?! Why was it my grandad?
I was only twenty years old. He wouldn’t be there for my 21st. A day he always looked forward to, and told me I’d blink my eyes and it would be here before I knew it, and the start of my life would take place.
Nothing mattered, not friends, not love, not sleep. Nothing.
I remembered his breathing tubes, The rise and fall of his body - artificially, he wasn’t breathing on his own. Even the way his ring on his hand was neatly tucked away, until the nurses removed it and gave it to my father.
I cried, sobbed and wept some more. It couldn’t be a new year. A brand new year, without one of the biggest people in my life not playing a part in it.
He was never coming back, never to be seen again... Never hugged, kissed, or spoken from again.
What was left of my heart from that cold November day, the day he died, had been violently ripped from me with the New Year dawning.
I felt like a small child, a scared, frightened child. Who just wanted her grandad back. He was my world. No one could come as close as we were. Thick as thieves and partners in crime. 007 and his princess.
So from this story, the message is: hold your loved ones tight. And never, ever, let go, for you never know when a moment may last forever as your goodbye is eternal.
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