The Family Do at Saucelhill Terrace

'Tom – take their coats! The clan’s arrived! … and I’ll take your carry-out.'
Vodka and Irn-Bru is the swally of choice, with Coke for the weans.
Hugs, handshakes and kisses all round. Nae seats.
- 'Budge up – there’s room for a wee wan!'
The kids’ll sit on the floor, in the hall, on the stair
and play with someone’s new Slinky. Or slide
like Eddie the Eagle doon the stair on their bums.
Macaroni cheese and macaroni mince.

The men-folk haiver in the kitchenette
while the women gossip in the big room.
At parties the spare room’s turned into the buffet.
- 'Don’t let the cats in there!'
There’s ay two trifles: a boozy wan for grown-ups
and wan wi’ nae booze for the weans.
Pieces, tablet, wee willy winkies,
macaroni cheese and macaroni mince.

Time for a sing-song. The weans are up first
- 'Oh ye cannae fling a piece oota twenty-storey flat… '
Not a dry seat in the hoose!
Noo here, it’s yer Auntie’s turn, a wee bit hush if you please!
- 'Oh there iiiis a house in New Orleans…they caaaall the Rising Sun..!'
Cheers and applause for Auntie before
it’s time to take the cling film off the buffet
macaroni cheese and macaroni mince.

Everyone queues to get in the spare room
and the food goes down a treat.
Gran feeds the dog the last bit of her piece.
- 'Tom! See if anyone needs a drink!'
and from her go-chair, the toddler pipes up: 'THE BACK O’ THE BUS
HE BAMMAE BING, BAMMAE BING, BAMMAE BING!'
Tom fills up the vodkas and gins.
Macaroni cheese and macaroni mince.

Three hours have passed and we take a breather,
before some of the ladies combust. After a fag break
it’s lights out for the ceremonial birthday cake,
sung in with the pomp of a haggis on Burns’ Night
- 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU… HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MU-UM/ GRA-AN/
AUNTIE TRICIA/ PA-AT… HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!'
She is all of these names to various folk as she blows out the flames.
Macaroni cheese and macaroni mince.

So that’s every party, unless it’s Easter,
when we have to scale an Egg Mountain range.
Or Christmas, when the flashy tree floats on a tidal wave
of gifts, and a brave elf has to dive in and fish
out goodies for everyone.
And Hogmanay when we send poor Tom outside wi’ a lump of coal
before the bells, then forget all about him in the rammy.
Macaroni cheese and macaroni mince.