The twisting and leaping of my stomach was interrupted by my two year old whirlwind. A handsome blur of delight. I drank him in, smiling at the joy he was so easily able to spread and wondered how my heart would cope with another ray of sunshine beating from it.
I drifted my way through the rest of the day in wonder, waiting for my husband to come home to share a secret, only me and my first born knew.
He arrived home and I told him that our family was growing. 'Another baby!?' he asked, amazed. 'Another ray of sunshine,' I laughed. He placed one hand on my stomach and kissed me.
I carried on in a daze of elatedness. Each day I woke up, excited that my family of a husband, son and stepson would soon grow. Little did I know that there were changes that lay ahead.
Weeks later, we were told that life as we knew it would come to a halt. A scenario that we could never have envisioned would grip us emotionally and physically for the next year. As our family was expanding, our world felt as though it was closing in. Things we had taken for granted and things that we treasured were being taken away.
My beautiful ray of sunshine stopped shining so brightly as his friends and family faded. His beloved pastimes were stopped and his adoring mother became ill with the effects of his younger sibling.
My guilt grew as our freedom reduced, questioning my abilities but never my love. The yanking of emotion physically hurt as I kept my body running to keep my unborn child safe whilst trying to nurture my eldest child and guide him through his wave of feelings.
I suddenly saw lockdown through my sunshine’s eyes. His little world had been predictable and safe. It was entrenched in wonder and curiosity. All the changes that he had ever experienced were mostly welcome and where they were not, he had the hand of his parents to hold onto. The latest change he had faced was unwelcome. He was confused and fruatrated. It didn’t make sense. He could feel chaos and the unknown. I knew then that this unwelcome change was fundamental. From then on, I showed my son that change is wonderful. Change is tough, messy and beautiful but as long as he had me, we could skip down the path of change together. We discovered things that had passed us by before. We saw the ripples of the river and the glitter dancing on the surface as the sun shone down. We smelt the fresh grassy scent of wild flowers and felt their velvety petals as we learnt to count higher than ever before.
My ray of sunshine became bigger and he became brighter.
The change had made us both ready for our newest chapter.
On a dark October night, an invisible vice gripped my back. It was tightened and tightened until it reached and grabbed hold of my stomach, intensifying with each minute. My fear grew by the second. My in-laws arrived as I hauled myself into the back of our car, knowing this would be one of the last moments of our family, as it was.
A fast car journey brought us to our local hospital. Each contraction beat down on my lower body as I clutched my husband’s arm. An arm that had previously carried me through fear and would do so again tonight.
I was given gas and air. A slight relief to the pain meant I could look at my husband and see him clearly for the first time tonight. His face was strained with worry and excitement.
'Push!'
I wanted to push. I wanted to push so much but I was terrified, in pain and fearful for the future. What was I bringing my child into? What will my child’s life be? What if he never experience’s what his brother has already experienced in his very little life?
An overwhelming surge overcame me.
I pushed.
I pushed again.
I pushed one more time.
'He’s a big boy!' My husband said. I looked up at his face. It was beautiful with relief, pride and love.
A crumpled grey bundle was placed onto my chest. Snuffling, turning pink, he breathed in and out with such strength. Skin so soft, I rested my face against his to feel his warmth. A towel was placed over us. Just me and my boy. I felt my husband’s arm rest around us. An arm that was holding us in joy, elation and disbelief.
I looked down at my new ray of sunshine. Another piece of my heart, living and breathing outside of my body.
A celebration.
To the shock of my in-laws we returned home hours later. The morning still dark, we sat talking quietly under the glow of a lamp. A special moment that will be forever remembered as we marvelled over our little bundle together. My relationship with my in-laws, whilst always special, became more precious than ever. My love for them grew as it dawned on my how much I had missed them and how beautiful it was that we were bound together by sunshine.
My stepson and my son both came downstairs. My stepson, a quiet and thoughtful young man, watched his newest sibling from a few steps away. He didn’t need to use any words, his face beamed love. My son came over to his new brother who was laid sleeping on the sofa. His little eyes filled with emotion and threatened to spill down his little pink cheeks. My three year-old, my baby, who still looked so tiny looked up at me and we held each other. I felt the magic of my family at that moment and I knew we were exactly where we were meant to be. We were there to celebrate together. To celebrate each other, love and life itself.