'You’ve got tae plan fur the future! You canny be wastin your life the noo' wis ma mothers mantra.
What she meant wis dinny huv any fun, dinny buy they fancy shoes, be miserable a’ your life so that you can be a lonely old wumman who hus nae pals but a healthy bank balance, jist like her!
I wisny like her. 'You’re no like oor yins, I canny work you oot, you’re thrawn, you’ll come tae a bad end, ma lady!' was drummed intae me.
Mibbee I wis a bit thrawn, mibbee I still am! Who kens? Whit I dae ken though, is that I wanted mair than hur sullen misery, off tae church umpteen times a week then hame again, a’ self righteous an pious, tae criticise an berate everybuddy else that wis there, or mair tae the point, wisny there.
In Primary 7, I foond oot, fae a lassie in ma class that also went tae oor church, why I wisny like 'her yins'. I didny ken whit 'adopted' meant but I soon foond oot efter the heidmaster went tae the door tae tell ma mither whit I’d been telt. 'Adopted,' she said, wis that, 'the Lord didny see fit to allow us to have children of our own so we took in one that wasn’t wanted.' Thanks fur that mither!
Ma dad wis a quiet man an when she started he jist went an worked in the gairden, or his shed, heid doon, tryin tae shut it oot. Many years later we talked aboot his regrets, the things he wished he’d done, things he got the chance tae dae but let it go by tae shut her up. He niver managed tae get oot.
I got oot by marryin a 21 year old erse when I wis 16 but I didny realise how much o’ an erse till too late! That’s a thing everybuddy SHOULD learn fae their mither, dinny get involved wi an erse, your future wilny be bright, wilny be orange, it’ll be pickin up the broken bits that they make, cos they can only be an erse! You canny change whit they dae because bein an erse isny whit they dae, it’s whit they ARE!
At ma weddin, ma mither said, 'Well you’ve made your bed, ma lady, you’ll huv tae lie in it, so if it disney work oot, dinny come back tae me.'
I left him 12 years on. Two weans, two dugs, a horse, four hoose moves an halfway through a college course, I’d hud mair than anybuddy could take. I left an I didny go back tae hur. I got a cooncil flat, divorced him, got a job an carried on studyin part time. A hale new future an I hudny a clue where I wis goin or whit I wis daein. I knew whit I didny want but hudny a clue whit I did want, or how I wis gonny get it once I knew whit it wis?
Well, ma future kinda foond me. Ma choices, daein the best fur me and ma weans, led me there.
I remarried when I wis nearly 40 tae sumbuddy I’d kent since we were 15. Ma weans grew up an left hame, ma career soared beyond whit I thought I could reach an I’ve done things I niver thought possible.
Dinny get me wrong, it’s no a’ been plain sailin, but when the hard stuff came along we’ve dealt wi it. When it wis stuff that couldny be sorted, we’ve jist learned tae work roond it. When guid stuff came along we’ve enjoyed it. We’ve got real friends an family that ur there for us an we’re there fur them. Ma two lassies baith ken that we’re there for them tae, an they’re there fur us.
Over the years I’ve even got tae meet some o’ ma birth family. Some I foond, some that foond me noo that there’s ways tae dae that. Each o’ them’s filled in blanks fae the past an enriched oor lives, addin tae the family I already hud.
We’ve got grandweans! Noo that’s a hale different story! Baith ma lassies huv a lassie! We tell them that they can reach fur the stars an we’ll be there tae help them, but we also tell them that they might no get there but they’ll get naewhere at a’ sittin oan their bums playin games on a computer an waitin on it comin tae them.
Even noo, in oor sixties, we’re no done yet. We still huv plans an ambitions that we hope we’ll get tae dae. We want tae take the grandweans tae Australia tae visit ma half sister an her family oan ma birth-faithers side. We hope tae take them tae Florida tae a’ the theme parks if we can. Really we jist want tae ride the big rollercoasters an takin the weans is jist an excuse for us tae be big weans tae. We’ve got friends an family that we plan tae dae stuff wi tae, like go tae Wales tae the big zip wire again an make a list o’ daredevil stuff then tick it off as we dae it. We’ve got friends an family we dinny see very often so catchin up wi them is on the list tae. I still ride so I’ve got competitions tae train fur wi the horse that I ride noo. We’re mibbee aulder noo but that disny stop us lookin forward tae the next adventure, plan fur the future, reach fur the stars while we still can.
Damn it! Mibbe I huv learned one thing fae ma mither efter a’, an that’s tae 'plan fur the future' but we’ll no dae it at the expense o’ livin oor life along the way, grabbin the good stuff an the chances we come across an runnin wi them tae see where it takes us next.