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The start and end of my future
In the cabin,
on the cruise ship,
I got it so wrong.
When I spoke to you,
those grave words,
I spoke out of fear,
frustration,
and shame,
mixed with love.
I told you a horrible thing.
Something frightening.
I am so sorry,
I have so much regret.
You were worrying,
out of love for me,
Confined,
in our cabin,
Guard outside,
your young mind,
thinking I needed protection,
from a terrorist,
trying to kill me.
I recognised this,
though you didn’t tell me,
directly,
at the time,
and I was worrying,
about you too.
I was trying to be truthful,
as I thought that was better,
than seeing you so afraid.
But I was so frustrated,
with myself,
and the overwhelming situation.
The shame of being sent home.
Ruining your holiday.
So I rushed,
in a wave of emotion,
my words falling away,
I did not check,
what you understood,
by the words I’d spoken.
Either way,
There was no escape.
I was so angry with myself,
I could not relax enough,
to talk to you about it again.
I felt I would make things worse.
I did not realise then,
that I had made you,
speechless.
Given you something to carry alone.
A bottle for your emotions.
You described months later,
of me,
wanting to,
‘Go Suicide’.
Oh,
My Love,
I still don’t know what,
what,
those words meant for you.
But I need you to know,
I would never have done,
such a terrible thing to you,
in my right mind.
I was worrying about,
and feeling sorry for,
myself,
breaking up with your dad,
but I wasn’t trying to end my life.
I was thinking how awful,
our situation was,
how my life wasn’t valued,
how I wasn’t wanted,
how I was never truly loved,
and how it would maybe,
help your dad,
if I wasn’t around.
That’s when I noticed,
it looked so easy to climb the rungs.
I stood,
fixated to the spot.
I did not want to do that,
ever,
but it looked temptingly simple.
An easy solution to my problems.
I was crying for me.
My emotions were swelling,
swinging back and forth,
alone on the deck.
Deafening.
but I walked away.
because I started thinking,
of you.
All my thoughts were on you.
I was crying for you.
I didn’t want you to feel loss.
A void.
Guilt.
Shame.
Confusion.
Anger.
To feel afraid to be out of sight,
of your family.
To be afraid of holidays,
and the unknown.
To be afraid of the sea.
To feel alone in the world.
To lose your mother at ten years old.
My Love,
I was thinking only of you.
No one else,
gave me value,
gave me purpose.
It was you.
My love and respect for you,
pushed away the fleeting thought,
of how easy it would be,
to go over the side of the ship.
If I wanted to.
But I didn’t ever want to.
Thoughts of you flooded my brain,
pushing the unwanted thoughts,
out of my head.
You helped rescue me,
that day.
Gave me strength.
And today it is my confidence,
in your love for me,
and my love for you,
flowing back and forth,
like the tide by the moon,
that unimaginable night,
that continues to bring me strength,
and hope,
for the future,
that one day we will meet again.
Not a day passes without regret,
for those unimaginable words,
Please forgive me,
I got things very wrong,
I have let you down,
giving you all the emotions,
I was trying to avoid,
because I couldn’t.
Couldn’t process.
I know I have made mistakes.
and filled you with grief,
but I am still here,
loving you,
with all my heart,
for all my life,
you were longed for,
and I miss you,
and adore you.
Everything about you.
You are my one,
and only son.
You are my vision,
my virtual reality