Finding Hope, and Finding Myself

For as long as I can remember I have never been that sure of who I was, what I really wanted and what I truly stood for – my core values, if you will. But I can tell you that I categorically did not want to be diagnosed with a chronic disease of the central nervous system which would render me with a “disability” label at the age of 39. I mean, really? We can’t just wade through life like we’re the wee metal thing on a pinball machine, trying to avoid obstacles and providing kind words and empathy to others when stuff happens to them? We’ve actually got to deal with our own problems? Being an adult human sucks; big fat 0/10 review from me.

So there I was, in a clinical beige room with very little natural light at Ninewells Hospital in Dundee faced with the prospect of having Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. Before I decided my life must be over – hand me the blue pill now – I had a brief stint through all available options on the cycle of grief rollercoaster, and took some time off work. This was the first time in my adult life I’d actually had to face myself and consider just what on earth was going on. How had I got here? Through some initial research (using only reliable sources) I discovered that the background to MS is a maelstrom related to genes, lifestyle and environment. I decided that if that was the case, then I had the power to make changes to two out of three, and the planting of that tiny seed brought with it hope. Maybe my life as I knew it wasn’t over, and maybe my body was just sending me a message that I couldn’t continue on the trajectory I was on, but it was ok as I could in fact take a bit of a detour.

The journey continues but the version of me today (Carol 41.0, I guess) is entirely different to the lost, anxious, workaholic, overachieving perfectionist control freak that existed pre-diagnosis. For the first time in my life I’m settled in my lane, truly happy and I love myself and my life. I’m on a healing pathway and I am eternally grateful for all the wins that come my way – however big or small – and I’m learning to harness my divine creatrix power whilst I’m on this earth. I’ve doubled down on the things I can control, I’m making good decisions and I’m surrounded by the most amazing network of family and friends I could ever ask for.

Finally, and most importantly? I’m not just hopeful, I’m sure of a happy and healthy life ahead.