Please note: this piece contains content that some readers may find upsetting.
This Grief
This grief is a dark prison cell
Where I crouch in agony
On the hard unchanging ground
My heart futilely pleading
Please no don’t let it be
Echoes of 'what if' and ‘if only’
Reverberating around the walls
That moment of despair has changed me forever
And I can’t move or speak or think
Only feel the pain
But gradually, words of love and prayer
Are muting the harsh echoes of my cries
And hands of friendship are reaching in
To grasp me, helping me to stand
Though I’m weak and feeble
Slowly, love brings some light to the darkness
And I try to feel the moments of joy that seep in,
A kind word, a loving arm around me
A toddler’s laugh, a precious memory
My beloved family
And I tell my heart to believe
There will be more moments like these,
That will bring joy to these empty spaces
Moments to be treasured
As life goes on
I wrote these words almost five years ago as I struggled with the overwhelming grief of losing my son. My adored younger son was much loved by all his family, a loving son, brother, father, husband and friend, a liked and respected Sergeant in the British Army, a champion boxer, full of life and fun, always joking, yet with a very caring heart. He lost his long battle with depression and took his life in July 2019, leaving us all devastated and bereft.
I could not see how I could live with such agonising grief and felt completely helpless and hopeless in face of such loss. Five years later, I want to share a message of hope that there is a way through the pain.
The grief doesn’t go away but it can be accommodated, exhausting and difficult though that process is. If we must live with such pain, we must try and find a way to live as best we can: deliberately looking for the moments of joy in each day and focusing on the little acts of kindness that we come across; creating special acts of remembrance for significant days, giving yourself space to find out what works for each of us as coping mechanisms; keeping memories fresh and alive by sharing with others; not being afraid to cry and not being afraid to laugh; finding a way to help others also going through difficult times; changing whatever you need to change in your life so you can make space for the grief.
Deep grief changes us; we will never be the same again and life will never be the same again. Like any life changing circumstances, these changes need not bring about only despair and negativity – deep grief can also create in us new depths of love, empathy, resilience and courage.
I miss my son with every fibre of my being, but I am finding ways to live with his absence. My life is very different now – I left my corporate role and fulfilled my lifelong dream of opening a bookshop, which is a happy and healthy place for me and I trust for my customers. I aim for my bookshop to be a place that contributes to people’s wellbeing where they can enjoy connecting with others through the clubs, activities and events. My grief is a constant, but I have found ways to manage it so that I don’t get consumed by it, and I try to look for all the joy in everyday life that I can find. I have a strong personal faith and that has also helped sustain me with hope that one day in another realm I will be with my son again.
I wrote these words below to try and share the hope that there can be a way to live with the darkest of grief.
Grief lives with me now
I made a special place for grief,
It lives inside me, always there
With the love for you in my heart
At times the grief surges,
Wild waves tossing me
Against loss’ jagged rocks
Other times grief is calm,
Healing waves of memories
Gently lapping around me
Creating space for love and joy
From family and friends
And even more precious now
Hope was not destroyed by grief
As we feared it would
But fresh hope has grown out of pain
Hope that lets us live in a way
That celebrates you
Seeking out joy whenever we can
Hope that we can live this life
Fully and with grace
Until we meet again in eternity
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