Hopeless and Hopeful Moments of a Mum

Please note: this piece contains content that some readers may find upsetting.

Over four years ago, I gave birth to my beautiful boy. I was full of hope for the adventures and memories to come with my brand new family. However, pretty quickly, I started struggling with my mental health. I loved my baby more than anything, but that was the issue. I struggled to let anyone else do anything. I felt horrendous guilt if I wasn’t looking after him every minute of every day whilst trying to keep on top of the housework and everything that came with looking after a baby. I was exhausted and sleep deprived but trying to keep everything together. Millions of people did this on a daily basis, some single parents with very little support. I had a husband and family support so why was I failing at this?

The health visitor came out at six weeks and I had to complete a questionnaire. It was then I saw the 'Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?' question. I pondered this for a moment before answering. Lots of thoughts consumed my mind before answering. What would this mean for my family and I if I was truthful? Would my baby be taken off me? But I bravely decided I had to be honest, or the outcome for my family and I could be so much worse if I one day acted upon those suicidal thoughts. The health visitor was so empathetic but surprised. She hadn’t picked up any signs. I burst into tears because it was the first time I had admitted to anyone how I was truly feeling. But now I was hopeful that I would get the help I needed as I was referred on to the mental health team.

Days, weeks and months passed by. It was now the time of the Covid pandemic and I was feeling even more isolated and alone. I had become a robot mum. I was doing everything I had to do and more. I talked to him, I sang to him and, to the rest of the family, they probably underestimated how much my mental health was impacting me because I was managing to take care of my baby. But I was getting absolutely no enjoyment out of being a mum or life. When he cried, I felt like it was my fault, that the baby didn’t like me and I wasn’t good enough as a mum. From the moment I woke up, I was counting down the hours until I could go to sleep again and another day had passed by. My hopes to get help from the mental health team were dashed too. People didn’t phone when they were supposed to, which added to my feelings of worthlessness and isolation. I was tormented by thoughts to end my life on a daily basis and I didn’t receive the help I was so desperately hopeful to receive.

It finally reached the point where I knew I couldn’t go on any longer. I wrote a letter for both my husband and my son as an apology and wished them both well, and decided to end my life. It didn’t go as planned. I remember feeling angry at the time about that. Angry at the failure that I couldn’t even do that right. My husband had also reached breaking point. He made a complaint to the mental health team and shared his frustration that I hadn’t received the help I should have. It was then I was offered a place at one of the mother and baby units in Scotland. I remember feeling so thankful I was finally going to get help. I never wanted to end my life. I wanted the help to stop me feeling that way. But I was also so terrified of being in this unknown place. I worked so hard with the different therapies available to try and get better. And seven weeks later, I was ready to be discharged. I was now on this rollercoaster of ups and downs, but I had medication and coping strategies to deal with it. I had a family who loved and needed me, and I had to learn to love myself again and realise my importance.

I always said I would have another child again within two years. What happened with my mental health changed that. I wasn’t ready until a good bit later. Four years later, I was pregnant again. It took a bit of a fight to get the support I was looking for on board. It shouldn’t be as hard to get help for mental health as it is. We should have early intervention and prevention before people are at the point of feeling suicidal. The perinatal mental health team I have now have been amazing. I have had no suicidal thoughts since the birth of my second child. Although days are hard and some thoughts creep in, I am able to manage them and pull myself back up.

I remember people four years ago saying, 'You looked fine.' A lot of people with mental health issues do. A lot of people hide it. It’s not something we ask every day. People can see if you have a broken leg or are in physical pain and that can strike a conversation. But when do we ask people, 'Hey, how are you? How is your mental health?' We don’t. But maybe we should start. There was a time that I never thought I would get better. I never thought I would be able to enjoy being a mum. But at the moment I write this, as I lie in bed beside my two beautiful boys, my heart is full of hope that I will never face that darkness again.

If you've been affected by this piece, please see our support page for help and advice.