It’s in the eyes. Always the eyes.
I look deeply, as if all the answers will jump out at me.
I search and search.
Looking and burrowing and digging down or through.
Trying to understand what is working behind that stare.
The most amazing turquoise blue eyes.
Those eyes once bright and happy.
But now confused, a little dull and a little faded.
I stare into those eyes in moments of sadness, in moments of frustration.
Searching for answers
And hoping to find the woman and mum I once knew.
When I walk into the room,
my heart sinks.
My stomach churns with the hope she is having a good day today.
A good day makes it easier, less upsetting to see her sitting in the chair,
slumped to one side.
Sleeping. Drooling.
Not paying any particular attention to anyone or anything.
But when I walk in, she looks up and her eyes are smiling today.
A huge smile.
I hope she is pleased to see me today.
I hope I make her smile, even if just for a moment, one little pocket of joy,
amongst this mountain of grief and sadness.
She still remembers me.
We talk and today she seems like her young self again.
Maybe there is nothing wrong.
Maybe she will get better.
I stare into those eyes.
Digging and burrowing deep and through the turquoise perimeter
and into the black beyond.
The smile fades.
And I cling on.