I had hope approaching the private hospital in Edinburgh. It was an hour drive where I could clearly hear every thought both negative and positive go through my mind. My driver and friend sat quietly, focused on the traffic. Carefully obeying all road rules as if breaking one would anger God and affect the outcome of my assessment.
I listened to the healthy young surgeon describe my condition, as he continually asked me questions. He described the situation as bad and only getting worse, that my hope for another brand new miraculous surgery did not exist. He tried giving me hope that the only recommended surgery may last 20 years instead of 10 as the NHS had previously said, but I was doubtful of his optimism.
I left feeling disheartened, trying not to cry seeing my future filled with pain, limited mobility and being reliant on others for my care and wellbeing. I cursed the government and their policies stating I had to work to 67+. I wouldn’t even be 60 when I would be unable to walk and limited in taking care of myself let alone managing to leave the house and work.
I thought of being in a wheelchair and the difficulties of finding a blue badge car park now let alone in 10 years when the population increases further. How difficult it is to go to so many shops because the aisles are too narrow, or there are stairs and no elevators available. The way cobble stones make wheelchairs bounce unbearably and you need someone so fit, strong and healthy to assist you and push it. How lucky they are to even have that ability. I started to hope and pray that in the future the government might implement more policies and legislations that will bring in rights for me to have fair access. Then I thought, I may not even live another 10 or 20 years anyway. If only there was a magical crystal ball which could tell me when I would die so I may not have to worry about the inevitable decrease in health and physical independence. I think about all the people who die unexpectedly every single day as comorbidity and fate play their integral roles in my destiny. All I can do is be hopeful.
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