To Anyone Who Can’t Recall Magical Childhood Places

Please note: this piece contains descriptions of trauma and abuse that some readers may find upsetting.

No, nope, not a chance, absolutely not! I can’t remember a magical childhood refuge that made me feel comfortable and allowed me to breathe. If there was a magical place, it's hidden among painful memories I rather wish to forget.

Back then, there was no shelter – only monsters, isolation and people who were not allowed to know. When things started, the internet was not invented yet and domestic violence was swept under the rug. All those lies from evil, narcissistic, compulsive, aggressive liars, and the endless pretending to strangers that everything was fine. For many years, I have lived with my evil inner critic trying to convince me: “It’s all your fault. Move on, stop moaning. Make things up to cover up your past – standing out from the crowd will lead to humiliation and disgrace. If they were not with you they can’t know the truth. Who really cares?” It’s true, no one cares – I owe the truth only to myself.

Positive childhood memories are hidden somewhere – I hope – but they are too scared to come out, crushed by negative, exhausting emotions. Feelings that are hard to digest like grease attached to walls leaving a disgusting smell of dirty oil in the air of every thought. No matter how hard I keep scrubbing off that grease, it always reappears. I doubt a magic one-swipe-all-clean solution exists. Persistence is the key to progress, however small.

As a young innocent child, I absorbed and tolerated a lot of hostile and ruthless behaviour in every shape or form. I felt I triggered things, and to please adults, tried to believe their twisted reality. I was too young to understand and see the red flags.

There is no competition of worst past traumas as everyone is different. Some people prefer to keep their memory box closed, sealed and out of sight. Whereas others choose to face their past. Once the box starts to crack open, there is no turning back and running away – you are faced with past despair, an intense lake of tears. You don’t have to suffer in silence and are not alone. With help, you can gradually learn to let go of the past. A victim can experience a power imbalance in different ways, such as: putting abusers demands above their own self-respect and self-values; feeling helpless, trapped and shameful; pretending to be an emotionless machine as they are afraid the abuser will wreck any joy or excitement and will exploit any sadness or fear, using them to terrorize their victim.

We all make mistakes. Nobody is right all the time as it’s impossible for us to know and do everything. We are all the same and are allowed to live without fear, without frustration and without worry that things will escalate further. Anybody who is trying to manipulate others is neither more special, more powerful, more helpless or more entitled than anyone else. Abusers often don’t feel it’s their fault, such as when they wet the bed, they blame either the blanket or you for failing to tell them they are supposed to go to the bathroom. You are allowed to walk away from any toxic person without regret and empathy.

Slowly and steadily, with outside help and therapy, my inner rebel has grown, preventing me from pretending, encouraging me to be honest and brave. I’m not stuck in that part of my past life anymore. I don’t need others’ pity or people walking on eggshells around me. Time, space and patience are all I need to heal.

I’m still a work-in-progress. For me, it’s not natural to love myself and trust people. Anxiety has been a close companion for too long. It’s important to be kind to my past self as I have the benefit of hindsight. Like everyone else, I’m trying to live by my own set of values and take up challenges, hoping luck will help me along the way.

Hidden childhood places will come back to me eventually in their own time. Until then, they wait patiently, to only emerge when I'm ready, while life goes on – ruthless, determinant and enduring.

My current place of comfort is the river Clyde with its beautiful and destructive energy: stunning rainbows and clear sparkling water oppose stormy waves and grey, low-hanging, rain-filled clouds. It never is boring on the Clyde. There are sail boats, military exercises, screeching seagulls and occasional helicopters and planes flying above. Apart from my little sanctuary in front of my window, I have been lucky to meet wonderful local people. During the Writer’s Well sessions and meet-ups supported by Inverclyde Culture, fellow writers have been very friendly and encouraging. There is no peer group pressure; you are allowed to do things at your own time in a relaxed atmosphere. I’m very thankful for their time, patience and our conversations as this stream of ideas supports my well of inspiration for my creative writing.

When times are rough, I prefer to live in day-tight compartments. Don't linger on the past that is long gone and can’t be changed, however hard you try. For me, it’s full of mistakes my inner critic is keen to point out. Don't worry about the future as it will come soon enough. Can anyone predict the future if they can’t even get the weather forecast right? Today is enough for me, one step at a time from morning to night.

Have you ever heard Dolly Parton’s Light of a Clear Blue Morning?

“I can see the light of a clear blue morning,

I can see the light of a brand new day,

Everything's gonna work out just fine,

And everything's gonna be all right,

That's been all wrong.”

In case no one has told you yet: You are allowed to be free like an eagle and be yourself. I’m very proud of you. We are not alone in trying to be strong.

Best wishes,

A fellow survivor.

If you've been affected by this piece, please see our support page(this link will open in a new window) for help and advice.